Overexcitabilities Aplenty Part 2: How to Cope

My last blog was about overexcitabilities, what they are, and how they affect us. It was late when I finished the blog. I was struggling through heavy eyelids to finish it, so I left out a huge part of living with overexcitabilities….how we cope. What are the ways to acknowledge, yet harness those overexcitabilities so that they don’t run you into the ground as a parent? I have heard numerous stories about parents who are at their wits end. They are exhausted, their patience is running thin, and they want to be more understanding, but they just can’t take one more “why” question, or one more tantrum, or they just can’t keep up with the unending energy any longer.

I’d love to tell you I have all the answers and give you a step-by-step plan of what to do to help ease these intense little minds, but every child is just so different it would be impossible to help completely. I’m still struggling to figure out how to help my own child with certain things, and I am no expert, but I can give some ideas and also tell you what we have done to try to help and maybe something will work in your family as well. If you are looking for a way to make these intense behaviors stop, you are reading the wrong blog. These OE’s don’t just stop. They can’t. They are a part of who your child is and we can’t change that. We can, however, find ways for them to channel these intensities to use them in a constructive manner to make them more enjoyable for all of you.

Psychomotor

These little ones never stop moving, never stop talking, and never stop fidgeting. It’s a no brainer that for a parent, that non-stop energy can leave them feeling drained long before you turn out the lights at night (or if you’re like me, your energy is likely to be drained before lunch time every day). It’s easy to just sit down on the couch and pop in a movie to try and give yourself a break, but that could backfire quickly. Why? Sitting still will not make the energy go away. It will make them bottle it all up until they are allowed to release it and then it will all come out like the flood gates have been opened up. The best ways we have found to cope with a psychomotor overexcitability are:

• Provide opportunities for movement throughout the day. Go for a walk or bike ride, throw a ball, jump, have a dance party, play tag, whatever you need to do to let them move.
• Find a sport or activity that interests them. For us it’s taekwondo, t-ball, and drums. All 3 of these give him a chance to move and let out some excess energy.
• Take some time to really listen to what they’re telling you. Ask questions about their interests and then give them your full attention when they answer. This will make them feel like they have been heard and they’ll be more likely to allow you some quiet time later if you ask for it.
• Provide opportunities for free-play.
• Let them listen to music, give them a fidget (yes, I said fidget, but I didn’t specifically say a spinner…though they do work great).
• Include them in your household chores. Let them help you dust furniture, put dishes away, sort laundry, etc.
• Teach them how to relax. Have a relaxation/time-out/calming corner and teach them that it can be a choice to go there, not a punishment. Practice deep breathing.

Intellectual

I’m sure some people don’t see a problem with an intellectual overexcitability. How cool that your child loves learning, right? Yes, that’s a great thing, but an author and educator named Jade Ann Rivera described intellectual overexcitabilities as “a gifted child’s curiosity on steroids.” These kids don’t know how to stop learning and if they are young enough, the way they learn is by asking question after question after question. They always want to know why, or what if, or what happens when. We like to think that we always have the answers, but some of the questions they can come with just don’t really have an answer. Some examples would be,
-“How do we ever know if we’re actually awake? We could be dreaming.”
-“How many people are actually on Earth? This says that 278 babies are born by the time I read the last word on this page. Who counts them?”
-“Where do thoughts come from?”

Asher’s favorite question lately is simply “why?” Why did that just happen? Why do I have to go to bed right now? Why did you just ask me to put my shoes on?  The questions can get quite tiring. Here are some ways to cope:

• Teach them how to find the answers to their questions on their own. Help them look it up, whether it’s in books, online, or asking an expert on the subject.
• Provide books and resources about things that interest them.
• Allow the child to develop and pursue their own projects.
• Seek intellectual peers for them to speak/play with
• Answer as many of those questions as you can, but do not hesitate to tell them “I don’t know” if you simply don’t.  Offer to help them find the answer later if you don’t know. This helps them see that sometimes it’s ok not to know the answer to something, but there’s always time to find out the answer later.
• Try not to discourage that love of learning. It’s tough to be questioned constantly, but once that fire is burnt out it’s hard to rekindle.

Imaginational

I think it’d be safe to say all kids have imaginations, but an imaginational overexcitability is different. Their imaginations go beyond the typical. They have all the tiny details of their make-believe worlds planned out. Their minds can get away from them and get them into some sticky spots leaving them with fear and anxiety about certain situations. This is the side of imaginational OE’s that are not necessarily a fun thing to see. Some ways to help:

• Teach the difference between real and make-believe. A great way to do this is with movies and tv shows. Explain how the process of making a movie works. The thing that worked best for Asher was explaining actors and what they do. I told him that basically an actor is just a normal person playing pretend like he does, but they are just doing it in front of a camera for everyone to see.
• When they are in their own world, make sure they realize you are talking to them by saying their name, touching their shoulder, or stepping into their line of sight. This helps avoid being ignored or feeling like they aren’t obeying your commands. It’s very possible they simply do not hear you.
• Provide creative opportunities. Art tables, musical instruments (can be real or toy), paper and pencil, cameras, etc. Give them opportunities to express or act out what is going on in their minds.
• Teach them how to keep a journal or diary.
• Have the child use their imagination to solve problems.
• Create a make-believe scenario for something you want accomplished. “Let’s pretend that the floor is a lake and we have to put all the toys away in their boats (toy boxes) so that they don’t sink in the water.” Use every opportunity to create a game.
• Play along in their make-believe worlds whenever possible. This is another thing that we don’t want to discourage, but we want to help harness it.

Sensual

“You want a peanut butter sandwich for dinner AGAIN!? You just had that for dinner last night and lunch today.” A sensual OE can make a child seem very picky and that can become a challenge. They only want to eat certain foods, wear certain clothes, and put themselves in certain situations. Some situations put them in uncomfortable positions. The best way to help them is to:

• Avoid offensive stimuli as much as possible.
• If you cannot, or don’t want to, avoid offensive stimuli try exposure therapy. Expose them to whatever bothers them in small quantities and then take it away. The next time expose them a little bit longer until they are used to the feeling and can handle it. This works well with foods.
• Purchase a pair of hearing protection headphones for noisy situations. These can be a life-saver. I mentioned that Asher loves playing drums, but doesn’t enjoy many loud noises. These headphones are the reason why he can enjoy it.
• Cut tags out of clothes. Avoid embroidery or logos sewn on to clothes. Do what you can to avoid any stitching or tags inside the clothing.
• If your child is a sensory seeking individual, offer things that satisfy that. Offer a chew necklace, a sensory brush, weighted blankets, punching bags, an iPod with headphones, etc. These would be great things to include in a calming corner.

Emotional

Dabrowski felt this intensity was the most extensive of all of them. There is so much involved with this one and the complexity of it that it can be difficult to find the best ways to cope. These kiddos feel everything more deeply. They have intense feelings that are manifested in extreme ways. Sometimes they can make a huge deal out of something very insignificant. They can react emotionally or physically. Some throw tantrums, argue, scream, cry, etc. but some can get a stomach ache, sweating, heart racing, shaking, etc. These children are often accused of being “dramatic,” “drama queen/king,” or “overreacting.” However, they can also have very deep relationships with others because of their ability to sympathize deeply. They are misdiagnosed as bipolar, depression, or anxiety. Some strategies to try would include:

• Accept feelings and the intensity they are expressed as real, but develop a plan with your child of what they can do when they feel this way.
• Develop a “feeling vocabulary.” “I am feeling _____ and I need to _______.”
• Practice various situations with children and discuss what proper reactions would look like. Do not wait for them to happen in real life. This way when it does happen in real life they can remember what they practiced and have a plan to deal with it other than the fight or flight response.
• Use journaling to record feelings and reactions.
• Discuss what their reactions do to other people and how it makes others feel. “When you yell at your sister it feels scary to her and she is afraid you are going to hurt her.” Or even have others explain to the child themselves how it makes them feel. Children with emotional OE can understand this the most because they are able to sympathize. The goal is not to create a guilt trip, but to help them understand that others have the same feelings they do and they need to be mindful of them.
• Calming corner activities could include things like a timer, calming bottles, a binder or book that shows their reaction plans for each situation “When I feel _______, I _______ (When I feel angry, I take a deep breath and count to 10…I walk away…etc)”, noise canceling headphones, calming essential oil diffuser, pinwheel to blow (practices deep breathing), etc.

In general, kids with all overexcitabilities need consistency. They need to know that when a happens, b will happen. All kids benefit from a routine and clear boundaries. If they go to school, discuss these challenges with the teacher and work with them to provide ways to cope while at school (some schools already offer calming corners in every classroom or in a dedicated area of the building). I noticed the calming corner as a theme in a lot of these overexcitability coping strategies and we do not have one in our house. I think I have found my next step to take. I found an awesome list of ideas for things to put in a calming corner. Here it is…

The key with these things will be making sure these items stay in the calming corner and are used only for that purpose. I can see some of these things becoming toys for Asher and him taking them out of the calming corner and losing them. When your calming corner takes over your whole house it loses it’s purpose a little.

Hopefully some of these strategies can help channel intensities and make them a little more manageable. These overexcitabilities can be used to their advantage if used in constructive ways and these kiddos have the opportunity to be world changers. It is our job as parents not to change them, but to help them learn to use them correctly.

Overexcitabilities aplenty

If you live with a gifted child, chances are you know a thing or two about overexcitabilities (OE’s). A Polish psychologist named Kazimierz Dabrowski researched and identified 5 different areas where a child shows major intensity. Gifted children usually exhibit at least a few of these and one is normally dominant. We are no stranger to these overexcitabilities in this house. We see a little bit of all 5 here, but there are 2 that really stand out the most. Here are our experiences with all these overexcitabilities.

Psychomotor

Psychomotor overexcitability would be characterized by extreme levels of energy. They are constantly on the move, constantly talking, constantly doing something. They often need less sleep and when they do sleep they don’t sleep restfully. These children are often misdiagnosed as ADHD because of their high levels of energy, but the difference is that they CAN focus when they have the proper amount of brain stimulation. Some common characteristics of a child with psychomotor overexcitabilities are:

• Constant, rapid speech
• Impulsive behaviors
• Constant movement
• Extreme energy
• Compulsive behaviors
• Nervous habits and tics
• Sleeplessness

This is one of the dominant OE’s with Asher. From the moment he wakes up in the morning to the moment he goes to sleep at night, Asher is on the move. From when he comes in our room at 7 in the morning he is talking. And talking. And talking. He gets excited and speaks so fast he forgets to take a breath. He paces back and forth across the room. He jumps up and down. He is very impulsive. When he sees something he wants, he goes for it and is usually so quick about it you don’t have time to tell him to stop. At bedtime, when he is starting to get tired, there is no such thing as starting to wind down and relax to get ready for bed. His tired time is his most intense time. His energy increases, his volume increases, and his motor is just running on overdrive. I usually describe it by saying he is bouncing off the walls. Even laying in bed while reading bedtime stories, he is tossing and turning, getting under his covers, getting back out from under his covers, playing with stuffed animals, playing with his hands, and finding any way he can wiggle his body. Then all of a sudden, he is still and he is out. It’s physically exhausting for us. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t considered ADHD, but then I read about psychomotor OE and realize that’s what we’re dealing with.

I wish this platform allowed me to share videos, because a picture just doesn’t do the job to show an example of psychomotor OE’s (and I do have a great video to share of Asher displaying it), but this picture is the closest I could get.

Intellectual

Intellectual Overexcitability is what you would think of when you imagine a gifted child. It is characterized by the intense need to learn. They are always asking questions, always seeking answers, always thinking about something. Their minds never rest. Some common characteristics of intellectual OE’s are:

• Deep curiosity
• Love of knowledge and learning
• Always reading
• Asks questions constantly
• Theoretical thinking
• Analytical thinking
• Deep concentration

Asher is a child that never really grew out of the “why” stage. For every explanation we give, he wants to know why. He has a deep understanding of the world and how it works for a 4-year-old and that’s because he is always wanting to know more. Some parents of gifted children struggle with deciding if they should tell their child that they are gifted. Asher wanted to know why he was different than others at a very young age. We didn’t hesitate to tell him, but he knows that there is nothing wrong with others and that his brain just works differently than other kids his age. He understands this rather well. He is always wanting to learn more about himself though, as you will see in this picture. He noticed I was reading a book about gifted children and he practically yanked it out of my hand and sat down and started reading it himself.

Imaginational

An imaginational overexcitability is simply what it sounds like. They have intense imaginations that can lead them to a complex make-believe world. This can be a good thing and fun to watch, but it can also work against them when their imaginations can dream up all kinds of bad consequences to every situation. They are constantly asking “What if…” and they can develop some irrational fears of things they are not familiar with. Some characteristics of an imaginational OE are:

• Vivid dreams
• Fear of the unknown
• Appreciation for magic; magical thoughts
• Love of the arts and fantasy
• Sense of humor
• Imaginary friends
• Detailed visualization

This is Asher’s other big one. The child’s imagination is downright amazing. It’s not enough for him to tell me “I’m pretending to work at an auto shop like Daddy does.” He is telling me every little detail about what it looks like there, who works there with him, what kind of cars are in there being worked on, what kind of courtesy cars they offer, what time he comes to work and goes home, the names of the customers that come to have their cars worked on, etc. This is just one example of many imaginary worlds that he lives in. I’d say 90% of his day is spent pretending something, with his imaginary friends. And he doesn’t stop there. It seems his dreams are pretty vivid as well because he will talk in his sleep and act out his dreams. Again, I wish I could post a video of this one, but here’s a picture of him pretending to be an air traffic controller.

 

Sensual

These are the kids that have amplified senses. Sometimes they have heightened senses, but sometimes they have a lack of some of the senses. These are the kids that can’t eat certain foods because they don’t like the texture, or they don’t like the feeling of tags on their clothes. They can’t eat lunch with other kids in the cafeteria because the smell of all the foods combined mixed with all the noise makes them feel extremely anxious or even makes them sick. Characteristics include:

• Appreciation for beauty
• Sensitive to smells, tastes, textures of food
• Bothered by the feel of different things on their skin (clothes, grass on bare feet, sand, etc.)
• Craving for pleasure
• Need for comfort
• Sensitivity to pollution
• Bothered by loud noises

Asher’s sensual OE is something I am still trying to understand it’s depth. We know he has issues with textures of food and some foods make him gag, but we are starting to believe that his sense of smell just plain isn’t there. He complains that he can’t smell anything. We have had an intense, overbearing smell around us before and he has been completely oblivious to it. This lack of smell could be what’s causing his aversion to certain foods because it affects his taste as well and he is only left with the textures of foods to help him “taste” them. He also hates getting dirty and sometimes seems bothered by loud noises. (see the main photo at the top of this blog post)

Emotional

These are your sensitive kiddos. The ones who feel everything more deeply. When they are happy, they are extremely happy. When they are sad, they are extremely sad. When they are mad, they are extremely mad. These children can become quite explosive and have been misdiagnosed bipolar. Traits of this overexcitability are:

• Extremes of emotion
• Anxiety
• Feelings of guilt
• Feelings of inferiority or inadequacy
• Shyness
• Loneliness
• Sense of justice
• Depression
• Need for security
• Sensitivity to change
• Physical response to emotions

This is the one that Asher deals with the least. The only trait he possesses with this one is anxiety, but he does have quite a bit of that. As long as we can remember, he has played with his shirt. He rolls it around in his fingers and ties it in knots down around the bottom of it. At first we thought it was a security thing because he would do it while he took a bottle or a sippy cup of milk. Then it became more constant and his shirts would be a wrinkly, stretched out mess by the end of the day. Then came the nail picking. Then came the worst of all…though this has only happened a couple times. He gets so anxious about the unknown (imaginational OE) that he makes himself physically sick.

For example, we were on vacation in Florida and we were going to surprise him with a day at Disney. We kept it a secret for months. On the day we were going it was rainy in the morning, so we told him we were leaving our condo to go somewhere to look for dolphins. Well, as we got further and further from the coast on our trip inland to Orlando, his intelligence began to tell him we weren’t near the ocean anymore and the ocean is where dolphins live. He then became nervous that he didn’t know where we were going. We hit a huge traffic jam and he began telling us he just wanted to go back to the condo. We reassured him that it’s ok and he would have fun looking for dolphins, it would just take awhile to get there. He wasn’t buying it. He got himself so worked up that he nearly vomited in our car. The only thing that got him to calm down was giving him water and finally spilling the beans that we weren’t going to look for dolphins, but we had a surprise for him and it was something he was going to LOVE and have a ton of fun. By the time we got there and he realized what it was, he was just fine. Whew! He still talks about the time we were in the car and his tummy got yucky. Poor guy!

Living with the 5 overexcitabilities is both a challenge and a gift. There are times that we have to take a deep breath and hold on for the ride. With lots of reminders to ourselves, we are able to remember that these are not things he can control and we have to accept them and not try to change who he is. We as parents have to work toward a way to help him cope when things get to be too much for him. With proper coping skills and acceptance, he is able to thrive and use these OE’s to his advantage.